As I continue my journey of self discovery, I come across new lessons everyday. I do my best to remain in the present moment, to be open to the lessons when they present themselves. As a Tuck the Fringe'r this is extremely difficult. My pattern is to close myself off. To ignore my emotions, needs and desires. To avoid.
I began living the path of least resistance at a very early age. Based on my recollection, about 4 years old. For me the path was about avoiding the feeling of rejection. I kept my emotions tucked inside. I kept my thoughts to myself. And my dreams were only for me, hidden way below the surface. Keeping parts of me hidden from others, meant I didn't have to deal with their reactions. Reactions that, in my mind, could only be rejection. I spent much of my time thinking about how I could make each relationship perfect, to avoid anything uncomfortable, ultimately ignoring my own feelings along the way. The problem with this path is that it led me absolutely nowhere, when it came to who God created me to be.
Now, here I am at 47 sharing this journey with nothing but the knowledge that it's Divinely guided. Everyday, I wake up asking and believing that I'm receiving the knowledge I need to carry it out. However, patterns are tough to break. The path of least resistance might not be leading me anywhere, but it is certainly easier. Rivers follow it and so does electricity, so why not me? It's what I knew for 40 years and it still lives deep within, waiting to come up when life gets too tough. Fortunately, within those 40 years, I've had moments of extreme clarity. Moments where I was free enough from the path to hear God speaking to me, telling me there was so much more. The heaviness of ignoring the message was worse than staying the same.
Taking the path of least resistance is a lonely path. It kept me separate from life and from God. I tucked away my feelings, dreams and desires and my gifts. Gifts that I knew were there, but ignored out of fear. To step off the path is doing what feels completely unnatural and scary. Every day I know I will be presented with circumstances where I will have to choose which way to go. Even now, as I sit and write this morning, my heart grows heavy and my eyes well up thinking of the vulnerability it takes. It's scary. But each time I share in my writing and each time I close my eyes and speak at the beginning of class, my heart opens a little bit more. I feel free, but I know this work will be mine for the rest of my days. I am open to the lessons and allow myself to stumble. I am present in each moment, knowing that the feelings I avoided for so long will be part of the process. I will not ignore. I will move through the mountain, not around it. I will allow myself to be tested. This is where my journey leads me. Giving energy to what is true for me builds my courage, strength and compassion for myself and for others.